There's a new Mexico!?

We meet again...

2011-05-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

blog.

Have at you!

Test

2009-08-02T16:33:00.001-07:00

I haven't updated this thing in years. Is this still on? Can you hear me in the back?

This Story Moved Me

2006-07-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

I can't really explain why, it just did. Aside from the presence of the laughing lady news anchor and the "Yes, yes very nice" serious male anchor the video is nice too. It's just one of those things two people share and can't really be explained to anyone else. You know, it's always the weirdest things that mean the most.

http://www.wltx.com/FYI/story.aspx?storyid=39760

ECS (A short history)

2006-07-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

Founded in 1911 by Elias B. Inc. and his brother Escrow K. Inc. - Escrow Closing Services, Inc. has been a close partner of E-LOAN in recent years. It was only within the past few years that they achieved the much sought after “Subsidiary” status.

Escrow Closing Services, Inc. (ECS for short) originally started as a bathtub manufacturing company in Atlanta. It was a moderately successful enterprise for many years.

During the 1940’s ECS made a change from making bathtubs to manufacturing jet airplane engines for the United States government. After the conclusion of the war the brothers had a falling out. Elias and Escrow disagreed over the direction to take the company in the post-war era. Elias pushed aggressively for the company to continue making jet engines. Escrow, on the other hand, wanted to go back to making bathtubs. Eventually the brothers came to a compromise and decided to make bathtubs with jet engines. Both brothers spent their fortunes refitting the factory to make and combine both products, going heavily into debt in the process. Finally, on October 17th 1956 the first Aero-tub rolled off the line.

The public, never having seen it’s like, requested a demonstration. Happy to oblige, Elias filled up the tub with warm water (and bubbles!), hopped in and turned on the engine. The Aero-tub, and Elias with it, roared off towards the horizon amongst the applauds of the crowd. Their “Ooh’s” and “Aah’s” quickly turned to “Oh no’s!” when a loud boom echoed back down the Aero-tub’s path. Pieces of porcelain and jet engine were found lodged in a large oak tree about a quarter of a mile away from the crowd. Elias was nowhere to be found.

Needless to say, sales of the Aero-tub were poor. Escrow shut down the factory and headed to California. It was there he resided until his death a few years later. The company changed hands several times and remained in relative obscurity until 2003.

It was then that Escrow Closing Services, Inc. made it’s resurgence in the business world. Instead of making bathtubs, or jet engines, or jet engine bathtubs, ECS had instead moved into the mortgage settlement services business.

Today, Escrow Closing Services, Inc. (ECS) is a wholly owned subsidiary of E-LOAN, Inc. ECS is dedicated to providing unparalleled title, appraisal and loan closing services to the mortgage lending branches of E-LOAN. ECS is committed to providing fast, friendly and efficient service to ensure that E-LOAN borrowers have a satisfying borrowing experience from application to funding.

For more information about ECS, check out your local library.

Phone Conversations in Print

2006-05-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

So... what's going on? Not much, yeah same here. Same ole, same ole. Huh? Yeah, I saw that! Yeah! Remember when the guy... yeah you know it. That part was killing me. Right on. The wedding? Yeah, it's still coming along. Yeah, she's on top of it. I don't know. All I have to remember is to get a tux. I can't believe it's happening. I know! It's weird though, everyone I talk to (well not everyone but you know what I mean) has told me not to get married. I mean, I haven't met a single married person who told me it was a good idea. I know. Yeah, it scares me. I don't know what to do about it though. Yeah, she's psyched about it. Although I gotta tell you, I think she's more excited about the wedding than she is about the marriage. Yeah I know, a wedding is a big party and it's her day... blah blah blah. But you know, I wish the talk would sometimes center on the marriage itself. The track record in my family is none to good. You know what I mean. I don't know, I'm sure it will work itself out. I hope so anyway. I mean, how do you know when it's the right time or even right person for marriage? Yeah yeah, I hear you. "You know when you know." Well, I tell you what, I don't know. Nope. Not 100%. Well sure... Yeah... Yeah...Ok. That makes sense. You've got a pretty good head on your shoulders there. Thanks for listening to me. Oh hey, I gotta get going. I just got home from work and I have to take a crap. What's that? Yeah... well, what are you gonna do? When you gotta go, you gotta go and for some reason, I gotta go everyday after work. But enough about my poop schedule, I really do have to go. Ok. Ok. Yeah. You too! Later on man.

Rivethead

2006-05-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

So I read a pretty decent book this last weekend. It's called "Rivethead" by author Ben Hamper. It's a true story that chronicles one man's life in a GM factory. I found it to be very real and an interesting perspective on a way of life that I have no way to relate to. Often we hear about the autoworkers getting paid a lot of money for jobs that don't require much (if any) real skill. Geez those guys have it easy... However, the mindless monotony of doing the same thing over and over (and over...) again takes its toll. No hope for career growth, no mental stimulation. Just a sea of pounding waves of dullness and repetition eroding any sense of self worth that one may have had. The bureaucracy of the personnel office and poor management decisions in general are pointed out comically in a way that screams of frustration. Eventually becoming something that is not only accepted, but also expected.

I give it an 8.5 out of 11. Different than my normal reads, but still very good. Rivethead is riveting.

What I learned today

2006-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

This is what I learned today. I was pretty happy as it made my job a lot easier. If it doesn't make sense, don't worry about it. The second one doesn't make 100% sense to me either. I just know it works.

The first formula
=IF((AND(E3>=G3,E3>=I3)),"yes","no")
takes the number in cell E3 and determines if it is greater than or equal to the number in cell G3. It also check if E3 is greater than or equal to the number in cell I3. If E3 is greater than or equal to BOTH of those other numbers, then it writes "yes". If it is not, then it writes "no".

Example:

E3 G3 I3
8 6 7 - yes
5 5 3 - yes
6 7 5 - no

This formula:
=SUM(LEN(A2:A2613)-LEN(SUBSTITUTE(A2:A2613,"yes","")))/LEN("yes")
Is ridiculous. What this formula does, is counts the number of times the word "yes" appears in column A, from cell A2 to cell A2613. So there is 2612 yes or no's down column A. This formula counts the "yes" instances and spits out the total number. In my case, it was 906. That saved me from having to count it myself. The odd thing about this one, the website where I learned this said this second formula is an "array" formula. I don't know what that means. But it said I had to hit ctrl+shift+enter to make it work. Before I hit those three keys, nothing was happening and I got an error. Once I hit them, BAM! 906 comes out.

Baseball League(s) Scouting Reports

2006-04-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

Who's Who in OneMan

Blue Steel - aka Allan. He was the second best sales rep at Microdental.(you like that Allan?) Last year finished in third in the Awesome Baseball League.

The Oneders - An extremely awesome person. Founder and reigning champion of the Awesome Baseball League. aka Mike

IH8BaseBall 2K6 - Football commish. Fairly decent guy despite having attended u of m. (That's right... lowercase) aka Josh aka Columbian Supremo.

New York Yankmees - aka Miller. Obnoxious Yankee fan (is there another kind?). Works with me currently.

Bayside Shortfuse - aka Fran. Knows more about baseball than Bud Selig. Fair judge of baseball trades. Potential second place finisher behind me.

Meat Whistles - The hardest of the hardcore. Meat Whistles aka Big Jorg runs a gambling ring on the east coast. Once killed a man for sneezing. Leaves the fridge open too long.

BALCO BOMBERS! - aka Shawn. Giants fan. Bums me cigarettes. Has no problem telling people off when he's loaded.

Bicsak Bigsacks - aka Bill. My roommate from MSU. Possible Tigers fan. Was once known as "Bill the cock".

Who's who in Spring Training Pants

I did this intro in another league but in that league I'm the commisissioner and I know everyone. Here? Not so much. So if I don't know, I'll try to guess.

Danish Destroyers - aka A-ron. Commissioner, Commish, Jorg. Reigning champion. Has trouble really dominating in fantasy baseball despite having both the NL and AL MVPs on his team. Possible steroid user.

Bay Area Pride - aka I don't know. I'm not even sure what his first name is, but for some reason I think's Bruce. Possibly knows kung-fu.

Bay Area Biznitches - aka Fran. Knows even more about baseball than Jorg. Fair trader. Last name in ends in a vowel. Lives in New York. Possible mafia connections.

The System - aka Mike Taylor. Perennial cellar dweller. Shows poor judgement in trades. Posts a lot. Possibly awesome.

Memories of Gibson - aka Iverson (Iversen?). Dodgers fan. Thinks highly of Darren Dreifort. Past champion. Fantasy skills eroding with age. Possibly has a goatee.

tandana - aka Ankur. Rookie. Lives in Boston. Tends to choke in fantasy baseball. (You like that? They don't even make a medal for fourth.) Possible inventor of the cure for cancer.

Game Over Gagne - aka Mario. Wears a red hat with "M" on the front. Black mustache. Red shirt. White gloves. Brown boots. Blue suspenders. Looks exactly like Super Mario. Possible video game character. Click here for a picture: http://www.maxoengc.com/mariostory/images/mario-debout.jpg

SF Yellow Sox - aka Siu Yung. League financial enforcer. Excels at finishing in second place. Only likes two for one trades where he gives two and gets one. Definitely knows kung-fu.
3fingermordecaibrown - aka Uk Sok. Tends to come out on the positive side of trades. Seeking elusive first-ever league championship. Possibly dislikes white people.

Rented Mules - aka Stickboy. Rookie?. Loves macaroni and cheese. Possibly named Brian.

Colin's Cakedogs - aka Mitch. Likes to vacuum. Has never been league commissioner. Wears blue shirts. Possible rodeo champion.

vergacabeza - aka Diger. Takes creatine. Wears gray shirts. Is open to trades. Even better at finishing second than Siu Yung. Possible wise-ass.

Who's who in the Awesome Baseball League 06

In my third and final installment of the who's who, I'll be covering the Awesome Baseball League 06.

Miyagi's Revenge 2 - aka Mike. League founder and commissioner. Reigning champion. Lives in CA. No discernable weaknesses. Possible two time champion. Awesome.

fo rizzle - aka Hazem, H-Bomb. Walks like Egyptian. Lives in S.F. Possible FBI agent.

My Left Shoe II - aka Allan. Last year's third place finisher. Enjoys long walks on the beach and winning fantasy leagues I am not in. Lives in CA and TX. Possible two time bronze medalist.

Bye Bye Baby Brigade - aka Shawn. Rookie. Talks a lot of crap. Giants fan. Lives in CA. Possible steroid supplier to Bonds.

Rocky Mountain Oysters - aka Bondo, Corey. Man, myth, legend. Second place finisher last year. Has amazingly bad fantasy sports luck. Lives in CO. Yankees fan. Possibly responsible for Jeremy Giambi's non-slide.

Bicsak Bigsaks - aka Bill. Rookie. Lives in MI. Former college roommate of mine. Former pimp. Current father of one. Possible father of hundreds.

SandwichDankNugget - aka Pink, Randy. Makes excuses like "I'm more of a football guy" to cover gross ineptitude in baseball. Lives in TX. Possibly drives a Chrysler.

Brokeback Boyz - aka Marcus. Lives in MI. Enjoys Brokeback Mountain. Has trouble quitting you. Possibly enjoys french fries.

Knickerbockers - aka Dave. Lives in CA. Rookie. Big time A's fan. Not a fan of Soriano. First timer in fantasy baseball. Possibly knows more about the A's than Billy Beane.

Darn Gremlins... - aka Brett. Lives in MI. Not really a baseball fan. Favorite fighting move - the Chicken Wing. Possible mail order monster.

Poker Tips

2006-02-24T11:48:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm kind of a poker expert. I've provided some "moves" and "tips" below. Be sure to use them often to win card games.

Sometimes it's a good move to pull off an "Opposite Bluff". That's when you fold on a really good hand. People never know what you are going to do next. In fact, if we ever play cards, that's a really good technique to use on me. I'll fall for it every time. It works great if you fold immediately after a big raise. That's when it's most effective.

Another good move in poker is called "The Robbery". That's when everyone is laughing and having a good time, then you pull a gun out and tell them to give you all their money before you kill them. Then fire a shot into the air. The key to this trick is actually shooting someone right away, so the others know that you are serious.

The third move in your expanded repertoire is called the "Bad Beat". Ask everyone if they know how to play LA style poker. Then when they ask how, you say "In LA poker, four clubs beat a king." If no one laughs or gets it, punch them in the mouth.

Well, that's about all the time I have for poker techniques. Have a good one, and remember... there's no such thing as a bad hand, just bad mother f@ckers.

Rockin' the Feud

2006-02-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

I just finished playing a couple rounds of the Feud. Family Feud if you don't already know. It's a great game, I highly recommend it. Get it from Yahoo!

Now if you don't know how the Feud works, quit reading because the rest of this won't make sense to you.

Ok now, here are your options: You can play multi-player against someone. That's a good time. Or you can play solo style. When you play solo, you compete against "Average Score". If you win, you play Fast Money for 20,000 bonus points. And believe me... you want those points. Those are 20 thousand bonus points. Nice.

So my first question is "How many minutes does it take the average person to run a mile?" Easy right? "8 mins" Ding! That is the number two answer. Next I'm thinking, and you only get 20 seconds to answer, that "10 mins" is a solid answer. Ding! Number one answer baby, I'm on a roll now. Oh, and by the way, the top seven answers were on the board. So I'm sitting on the number one and number two answers. Those are the easy ones. Now I'm not sure which way to go on this. Remember, they asked 100 people. What would they think? So I think, some people don't know how fast things are. So those people say "5 mins" and that's my third answer. Ding! Number seven.

So we have one, two, and seven. Three for three. The time is ticking, and I think, "This is easy." So I'm feeling good about it and I type in "9 mins". I figure 10 mins is number one, and 8 mins is number two, then 9 mins has to be number three. X(Enrt!) No... What? You mean to tell me 9 mins isn't up there? That's crap. While I'm thinking this, time is ticking away. So I'm thinking, "fine". I type in "7 mins" Ding! Number four.

So out of seven answers, I have numbers 1,2,4,7 and missing answers 3,5,6 (naturally). Hmm.. what would be number three? I look at the board and see 5 mins and 7 mins. Hmm.. Obvious! "6 mins" XX(Enrt!) No. Second strike. Dammit. Ok, now I'm having some trouble figuring out what someone might have said to this question. I've already guessed 5,6,7,8,9,10 mins. Which way do I guess? Do I guess faster or slower than this? I figure, average person... slower. So I type in "11 mins" XXX(Ernt!) Third strike! Ah crap. Let's see what I didn't get.

Show me number three! Ding! "15 mins" What? Wow... ok.... Show me number five! Ding! "20 mins" Wow! I mean really, the average person thinks it takes 20 minutes to run a mile? You've got to be kidding me. That's three miles an hour. 3mph. I'm also thinking, "I would never have guessed that." I'm somewhat amazed at that answer. Right before he revealed number five, I was thinking, "Oh! I bet it it's going be 6.5 mins. Nyah." I wouldn't have thought of half numbers.

So when I saw 15 mins as number three, I figured that, sure someone could think it would take 15 minutes to run a mile. It's slow, but I can see that as an answer. Twenty minutes though!? That struck me as somewhat ridiculous. I'm fairly certain I could run a mile in under 20 minutes and I'm not in good shape.

Now there's only one answer left to be revealed and the board is looking like this:
1. 10 mins
2. 8 mins
3. 15 mins
4. 7 mins
5. 20 mins
6.
7. 5 mins
(Right? Is that consistent with the rest of the story? I'll wait while you check.)

But get this. I figure number 6 is going to be "4 mins". Right? I was thinking the average person (who answered 20 minutes(!) just moments ago) probably doesn't know how fast a four minute mile is. He didn't know that three mph is not really much of a speed so what are the odds he'll know that four minute miles aren't an everyday thing. So I'm certain it's going to be 4 mins. Show me number six. Ding! (I don't know how to spell the Family Feud noise, but that's my best shot) "30 mins".

...

What?

...

I'm stupefied... I can not believe that is the answer. I would never, not in a million years, guess it would take the average person thirty minutes to run one (1) mile. Never. It would never have occurred to me. However, not only was 30 mins the number six answer, but not one, no... two people gave that answer. There are two people in America that believe it takes the average person thirty minutes to run a mile. That's two miles an hour.

Two people actually think that-that is the case. Wow. Who are these people? I want to know what they do for a living. I bet it's something completely normal and bland. Any office type job. Something with files and spreadsheets. Whatever. That isn't really important here. What is important is that these are two people out in society. Among us. That guy sipping a Starbucks across the street? He might be that guy. He could be the guy that you walk up to and ask, "How long do you think it takes the average person to run one mile?" And he would look at you, maybe even squint a bit (because he's thinking) and say, "Hmm... Thirty minutes?"

And right there. That's your moment.

Third World Pants

2006-02-17T17:37:00.000-08:00

I am currently wearing what must be the most poorly made pair of jeans in the United States. These are third world jeans, that's what they are. Let me give you a little background on these jeans. The tag says they are the same size and length as the rest of my jeans, which all fit normally. However, although reading as a 34 waist, these babies have to be at least a 38 if not 40. I put a belt on and have to cope with so much excess fabric that I have to fold bunches within bigger bunches.
Which leads to my next point. The belt loops on these pants are so few and far between they're practically worthless. There are exactly five belt loops. Two right up front, two more at about two o'clock and ten o'clock respectively (if my front was noon). Then finally, one lonely loop way in the back which is really where you need the loops. With all that excess fabric and such a small number of belt loops, no matter how tight I pull the belt, the only thing being held up is the loops. The rest of the pants slowly work their way down and all day I have to hike my pants up like some kind of weirdo.
Another fine feature of these pants is the crotch. Now you want some extra room down there, but this is ridiculous. When I'm wearing these pants I look like the "after" picture in a weight loss commercial. "Can you believe I used to be this size!" I could fit a fair number of encyclopedias, I'm thinking A-F, and still be comfortable. The crotch is ridiculous. I have to pull these pants way above my belly button just to have the bottom of the crotch in the proper place. If I put the waist of these pants on my actual waist (where any normal pair of pants rests) the bottom of this crotch rests just slightly above my knees. Which makes it hard to walk.
Oh and the length. The tag states they are 34/34. I have to ask, 34 what? Lunar units? These pants are obviously not designed for earth people. They are ridiculously long. The extra length fabric hangs on top of my shoes like a pair of denim leg warmers.
Huge crotch, extra long, extra wide, and minimal belt loops all in a pair of 34/34 jeans. These are Depression era pants. These are hand-me-down Depression era pants. It must have been the first day on the job for the guy who made these. Maybe he grew up on the metric system and has no idea how big an inch is. I don't know. These pants suck, and yet I continue to wear to them.

What Color is Sadness?

2006-02-16T18:50:00.000-08:00

Rage is red. We all know that to be the case. Just blinding, roiling, boiling, red rage. Simple yet messy. Like a spaghetti-sauce pot exploding in the kitchen. Emotional overthrow.
Pow!
Envy? too easy... green. Sickly bordering on putrescent... deep, dark, dank, and green.
Yuck.
Happiness you say? Again, your questions... they are not so hard. Happiness is the color of the sun in children's books. Happiness is bright, it's shiny, it's beaming, radiant, vibrant yellow can be seen for miles! Like a beacon in the night, happiness shines for everyone to see. Brilliant!
What if I feel fright? You can remember this one because it rhymes. Fright is white. Pale, like a ghost. Snow white, shivering in the cold, shaking of the fright.
Boo!
Ah, but sadness... What color would this be? Not orange, certainly no. Orange is not a color for sadness. We will come to orange in it's time. Sadness you'll know because we've all had them a time or two... the blues. Strangely this the favorite color of most people. Blue though. Dark, cloudy, sad-trumpet-noise, frowny-face blue. From the light color of the sky blue... To the dark, rich, unfathomable, ocean deep, tragical blue.
Blah.
Purple! Pride! You are proud. You are his majesty the mighty! Replete with his ermine robe, and golden chalice reeking of wine, both of which... are rich... royal, proud purple.
The End.

Rant Alert!

2006-01-30T16:58:00.000-08:00

Not a day goes by lately where we don't hear about yet another company eliminating thousands of jobs. It makes me sad to hear this type of news. I can't help but see these cuts as nothing other than blatant hypocrisy. The man making millions a year gets a bonus he doesn't need for pushing a man barely getting by, out of work. Not just one, but thousands of people are now jobless, and for what? For a 10 cent increase in stock price. An increase that benefits those who don't need more money. I'm just so frustrated. How many millions of dollars do people need? I once heard it said that Michael Eisner (former CEO of Disney) made so much money that if there was anything less than a $100 bill on the ground it would not be worth his time to bend over and pick it up. That's ridiculous.

I'm also tired about social security being talked about in Congress. I may have even mentioned this before, but there is a cap on what a person pays into it. I say eliminate that cap. The people making millions a year stop paying social security after a couple months. The rest of the year, they don't pay a dime. Why is it always those who need it the most that are required to pay a larger percentage?

Ramble ramble.

Why does a person need another $100 million? What are you going to do with it? How can the world tolerate people like Paris Hilton whose sole accomplishment in life was starring in a home made sex tape? Yet it's people like this that are all over the news. The freaking news! If something happens to an attractive white woman it's all over the place. Everything else? Forget it. When I got to www.cnn.com and see items like Paris Hilton in the top news headlines it really bothers me. This isn't news. It's garbage. The so called news

Great Quote for Today

2006-01-27T09:35:00.000-08:00

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." - John Cusak in Say Anything

Moby Madden

2006-01-24T18:14:00.000-08:00

I started this journey as a high school senior. The coach gave me one last inspirational speech before it was time to show what I could do. I went through several passing drills. Kicked ass on almost all of them.

I was offered scholarships at some of the biggest football schools in the nation. Tennessee, Michigan, etc... I turned them all down to attend the greatest college of all time. Michigan State University. I joined the school as a walk on and battled for the starting job my freshman year.
Freshman year:
I had a pretty good season throwing for 31 TD's to 12 Int's. My overall QB rating was 109.6 with 3661 yards passing on 310 attempts. I completed 153 of them for a completion percentage of 49.4. with an average of almost 24 yards per completion. Not outstanding, but good enough to make a BCS bowl game. No Heisman though.
Sophomore year:
Sophomore year is when I really started to catch the media's attention. That year I threw for 5054 yards with 77 touchdowns and 20 interceptions. This was on 387 attempts of which 191 were completed. That's an average of more than 26 yards per completion. Not bad. Not bad at all. I was the leading candidate in the Heisman race after an undefeated regular season. Alas it was not to be. I lost out to Iowa's QB. Now that was a bunch of crap, but I figured it was that another year 49.4% completions weren't impressing the Heisman folks. Final QB rating 113.3 which was better, but still not good enough.
Junior year:
My junior year. This was my year to bask in the media spotlight that was upon me. I did just that. I went through another undefeated regular season kicking ass and taking names. This year I went 205 for 331 for a completion percentage of 61.9%. Now we're talking! I passed for 4567 yards with 63 touchdowns to only 9 interceptions. While my yards per completion went down some to a little over 22 yards each, my rating was it's highest ever topping out at 134.0. On the eve of the Heisman announcement I was nervous. Would I win? Would I get snubbed again? Needless to say I steamrolled the competition. Mike Taylor has won his Heisman. He has captured his white whale and all was right in the world. The 2nd consecutive National Championship was almost anti-climatic.
Senior year:
This was a tough decision. Not just for Mike Taylor superstar MSU QB but also for Mike Taylor the guy behind the controller. I agonized over whether to bring me back to school or proceed to the glory of the pro stage. In the end, I entered the draft early. I felt like a traitor to my school, but there was no going back. I (the guy behind the controller) even had to rationalize the decision by telling myself that I (MSU QB) had graduated early with his degree. This helped, but to this day I still feel guilty about not going back for my senior year. I had my back to back national championships and Heisman trophy, what more had I to prove at the college level? I'm no Matt Leinart taking one class just to play another year of college ball and bang college girls. No, I had proved myself as a legitimate college superstar and it was time to move on.
The draft:
This was the big day. Draft day was approaching a light speed. Who would I go to? I want the Lions but alas it was not to be. I was drafted in second round by the Dallas Cowboys. My agent negotiated a two year contract worth $9.4 million of which $2.1 was granted as a signing bonus. I had arrived. My salary that year was $2.12 million with the remaining $5.18 for next year. Sold! I moved into my Dallas apartment that week. I even got a phone call from former Broncos running back Terrell Davis. Thanks TD!
Spring training:
This was no contest. Mike Taylor, young phenom from college, Heisman winner and National Champion against aging veteran Drew Bledsoe? He didn't have a chance.

An Epic of Storied Propotions

2006-01-16T15:32:00.000-08:00

Bob couldn't believe his luck. Then he was hit by a bus.

"I don't understand," he said as the idea dawned on him.

"I can't swim," said the dandelion to the biscuit. To which the the biscuit replied "..." because biscuits can't talk.

Some say folk won't. Then again, some folk'll.

Sniff, sniff went the cat with it's nostrils flaring. Finally the brave beast ventured to take a bite of my tortilla chip.

Here is my forum to make my case. To state my cause unequivocally. To get my message to the masses. This is my opportunity to use all of my intelligence and persuasiveness to sway the world to my way of thinking. So without further ado, here it is:
G=L
J=F
J=G
so therefore J=L, G=F and for good measure F=L. Ponder this for a moment, then remember that you have clothes in the dryer. So go get them.

There is nothing sweeter in life than justice. I don't mean Judge Judy justice. I mean the guy who speeds past you after tailgating and giving you the finger who then is pulled over and glances out of his window at the exact moment that you are passing by and he sees you passing by and he knows. Oh yeah, he knows.

There is greatness in all of us you see. If by the term greatness you mean lymph nodes.

Snap! Crackle! Pop! Went the bones of the old woman as she stood up from the couch to venture into the kitchen for a diet Coke.

Click clack
Clickety clack
The railroad train goes along it's track
Where it's headed no one knows
But I hope it comes back soon
Because the conductor has got my nose

It's nearly 4:12, so I must be going. I bid you adieu.

Put Some English On It

2006-01-16T15:16:00.000-08:00

What is "sort of"? It's nothing. It's a space filler and has no meaning whatsoever. There are times though when "sort of" takes on a life of it's own. When it changes everything just by it's presence. For example, "I love you..." or "You're going to live..."

Thank you to Demetri Martin for that.

Beverages

2006-01-09T18:16:00.000-08:00

I have a song stuck in my head again. This time it's a tune by Chef from the cartoon South Park. And it goes:

Makin' love
Makin' love
Makin' la-la la-la love
Love gravy

I just bought a bottle of grapefruit juice out of the vending machine. I don't even like grapefruit juice. Well, when I'm actually eating a grapefruit, and there is juice in the bowl when I'm done. I'll drink that. That's tasty. Bottled grapefruit juice though? That's an entirely different animal. I looked at it and thought to myself "I don't like grapefruit juice." It's not terrible; I wouldn't spit it out. Not unless someone told me it was orange juice and then I took a big mouthful only it didn't taste like orange juice so before I could think anything else my brain would go "Not orange juice!" and I would spit it out reflexively. This happens even with beverages I like.

Take Dr. Pepper for example. I'm a big fan of this concoction. I also like Cherry 7-Up, but I digress. Actually, when you think about where I started, this digression is the least of the problems with this "story". So anyway, there's a glass of soda on the counter. I say, "Hey Derk, is this Coke?" To which Derk replies, "Yeah." So I go to take a drink and... you know, let's start this at the beginning.

Act 1
Stomach: I'm thirsty. Hey! Hey Brain! I said I'm thirsty!

Brain: Let me see... carry the one, almost there on the unified field theorem.

Stomach: HEY BRAIN! I'm thirsty NOW!!!

Brain: Ah! Crap, fine. Hey Eyes! Come in Eyes!

Eyes: Eyes here Brain.

Brain: Look for something to drink, stomach is thirsty

Eyes: Roger that Brain. Spotted beverage on counter slightly to the left.

Brain: Got it! Right Arm, grab that drink!

Right Arm: Drink procured.

Stomach: Give it here!

Brain: Wait! We don't know what this is. Nose, what does it smell like?

Nose: Hmm hard to say... maybe if Lungs didn't smoke so much...

Brain: Hey! Back off nose! You leave them alone, they've got enough to deal with. Ok, Nose doesn't know, Eyes can't tell. Hey Mouth, let's go.

Act 2
Mouth: Hey Derk, is this Coke?

Derk: (From the other room) Huh? Yeah!

Stomach: See, give it! Give it!

Brain: Fine, quiet already. Right Arm, Mouth? You know the drill.

Stomach: Give it! Give it!

Mouth: I don't know...

Brain: (Soothingly) Don't worry Mouth, it's Coke. We like Coke.

Mouth: Ah.... ah... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NOT COKE! MIGHT BE POISON! NOT COKE!

Brain: Abort! Abort! Spit it out, Mouth! Spit it out goddamit!!

Mouth: (Spit take)

Stomach: Where's my Coke?

Brain: Hold on, doing an analysis right now. Beep-boop! Beep! Hmm... according to my readouts... Mouth you idiot! That's not poison, that's Dr. Pepper. We like Dr. Pepper! What the hell is the matter with you?

Mouth: (Defensively) Hey, you said it was Coke. I had everything all set up for Coke. When I tasted not Coke, I wasn't sure what else you got wrong. Don't call me an idiot, Brain! You're the one listening to Derk.

Brain: Yeah?! Well... so. Ok. Let's try this again. Mouth! Set up for general carbonated soda pop. Arm! You know the drill. Let's take it slow people!

Literally

2006-01-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

I hate it when people use the word literally incorrectly. Because when you get it wrong, you end up using it in exactly the opposite way from which it is intended. I can see a mix up between ultimate and penultimate, you're off by one. But literally is an entirely different animal.

It drives me crazy when I'm watching a football game and I hear the announcer say, "He literally ripped his head off!"

No he didn't.

"He literally exploded through the hole in that line!"

What?!

He exploded?

This guy should not have a job on tv describing things to people.

Or that conversation with your friends:

"Dude, last night we were so wasted, when Jim squirted milk through his eye, I literally shit my pants it was so funny"

Wow! What did you do then?

"With what?"

Your pants, what did you do with your pants?

"What do you mean?"

After you shit in them, what did you do?

"Dude, I didn't really shit my pants. I literally shit my pants."

Happy Non-denominational Winter Holiday!

2005-12-21T10:17:00.000-08:00

Although we should be careful throwing that word "winter" around. It might be discriminatory against Australian-Americans who enjoy summer in their homeland this time of year.

Anyway, I was thinking the other day. Not for long, but it did happen. There are a lot of free music download options available despite the record companies best efforts to get rid of them. However, a lot of the free services are filled with spyware, viruses (virii?), etc... that make it difficult to actually download free music. I bet it's the record companies themselves filling those sites and services with all sorts of malware in an effort to steer people away from it. Just a thought. Remember, it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.

I have a Christmas song stuck in my head, it goes "Christmas! Christmas! A wonderful Christmas time!" I wish I knew more of the words.

You know what bugs me about work meetings? You can't change the channel. If someone is blathering away about synergy, you're stuck listening to it. There's not even a mute button for these people.

I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory last night. The new one with Johnny Dep (sp?). I have to say it was pretty entertaining. The visuals were outstanding, and the songs were creepy, yet catchy. The whole thing was pretty ridiculous, but it embraced it's ridiculousness and worked well. The one drawback is that it didn't contain the song "Oompa Loompa oompa dee do" or something like that. If you are looking for something colorful and mindless, check it out.

Has anyone ever given you a gift that was so thoughtful, that the gift you were about to give them looked like poo in comparison? Wendy did that to me recently. She gave me a present early and said to open it right then. So I did, and it was scrapbook with pictures of us, the cats, family, etc... There were also writings and stickers and it showed our last year together. It was really nice, and I was touched by it. So then she says "What did you get me" So she opens hers later and it's a jewelry box. I mean it's a nice enough gift, but after what she made, it pales in comparison. My only hope is that the present she's getting in Michigan knocks her socks off. We'll see.

So boring...

2005-12-17T14:54:00.000-08:00

I am absolutely addicted to fantasy football. Just recently Yahoo! added a feature where one can view their past results going back to the year 2000, and possibly earlier. I thought that was great. It showed every league I'd ever been in, and where I finished. There are also trophies for first, second, and third place finishes. I have 4 first place trophies and 2 third place trophies. No second place for me.

Anyway.

So today I ate the piece of steak I had left over from the other night. I brought it home from the restaurant as I couldn't finish it. It was pretty good. I ate it cold, and I ate it with my hands. After that I ate some candy. I had a cherry Hershey kiss. It was chocolate covered cherry. That was also good. Then I had a rolo. I enjoyed the rolo and then looked through the bowl for more of them. I found three more. I ate one, then for the final two I ate them both at the same time. The rolo looks like a truncated cone, so I took the larger diameter side and placed it against the other rolo's larger diameter side. Then I ate that. My jaw became tired while chewing that. To wash this feast down I had a Sprite. Out of a can. You know what? That was good too.

I'm hungry now though. So... yeah. That's what I've been doing.

Happy Holidays

2005-12-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week I was rushing around trying to get some Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Nice day, huh?

2005-12-07T10:23:00.000-08:00

So I've stopped smoking. I gotta tell you, it kind of sucks. I mean besides the whole craving business, smoking gave me something to do. I blew up a little at Wendy when we got out of the car and were walking to the restaurant. I said "Is this all we do? Just walk!? What kind of crap is that?" I needed something else to do, my arms were going crazy. I don't know what to do with them.I thought about taking up coin flipping, but what am I? Two-face? Come on, I can't go through life looking like a Batman villain. So I don't know. We'll see how this plays out. It's weird to hear "No thanks, I don't smoke" come out of my mouth. Oh and I am also concerned about how to make non-smoking friends. I'm not sure how to do it. With smoking there is a common bond. "Got a light?", "Can I bum a smoke?" all conversation starters. What do you say to a non smoker standing next to you? "Nice day, huh?" Who wants to hear that? Not me, not this week. Then I'd know what to do with my arms, I'd punch them in the face.

Oh yeah

2005-12-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

I'm an idiot.

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

2005-11-14T18:24:00.000-08:00

Hello, My name is Mike and I don't work very hard. I wish I could say otherwise, but I don't really feel like it's true. In fact, I may not even finish this blog entry if it becomes too much work.

I'm not sure why this is the case. I have nothing against hard work, and express admiration for those who work hard. It just doesn't seem to be me that's doing it. Now this isn't to say that I don't do my job. I do. In fact, I do it pretty well. My boss compliments me quite often on the work that I've done. Which is nice. It's just not hard. For example, I know there are times when I'm really busy and need to get a lot done, and I don't have time to screw around. However, there are also times when there are a couple things to do, but I'd rather read the "Odd News" section on Yahoo! Check out this article for a prime example of what I do sometimes during the day.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051114/ap_on_fe_st/
netherlands_domino_bird

That's a fine article there, shooting it to death seems a little extreme. Stupid bird ruining domino day. Die!

I digress. It's not just at work that I don't work hard. I didn't really work too hard at meeting a girl. I mean, my girlfriend now just knocked on my door the night we met. The best part about that whole thing (aside from meeting Wendy) was that earlier that EXACT SAME DAY I was outside at my previous job talking with Pops (who looks a lot like a guy that you would refer to as Pops) who said "You know Mikey T., you aren't going to meet any girls sitting at home and playing Playstation." I could not wait until the following Monday to tell him otherwise.

So anyway we've covered work and love. What about school? Puh! I mean I graduated, but would I say I busted my ass on my studies? Hardly. In fact, the thing I learned how to do best at school was to schedule my classes so that none started before 11:30 AM and none were on Friday's. For the record I had two semesters with Friday classes out of the nine semesters that I went there. This is hard to admit, but part of the reason that I went into Telecommunications had nothing to do with my like of computers. It was because I had changed my major five times, and all the random classes I had taken along the way happened to meet the Telecom requirements for graduation. Talk about your happy fortune!

It should go without saying that I don't really use my degree in my job nowadays. I don't really know what else to say. I feel kind of bad that I've fallen ass backwards into everything in my life. I even moved to California on a whim. What the hell? I had been lucky so far, if it doesn't work out, I'll move back. Now I'm in it to win it.

I've also lost two jobs during my near six year stint in the Golden State. My first job was for a telecom company that went under with the dot com burst. You want to talk about not working hard? That job was ridiculous. When I started there I worked really hard and came up with a program that would do 90% of my job for me. They even gave me a bonus and an award for this. I was late for the award ceremony as I was outside smoking. Someone had to come out and get me. It was their first "Innovation Award". That was pretty sweet, but it was really just the beginning of the end of me really working. I would show up at work, check my e-mail and read a few articles on the internet, then click "Go" on my program and go talk to my friends about fantasy baseball. They however, were busy doing work. So I adapted my program to do their work too. This would allow for us to have more time to talk about sports and whatever else. This job was scheduled so that we would work (hah!) nine hours a day and get every other Friday off. I can't recall a single day when I worked all nine hours. I wouldn't have had anything to do even if I had. As I said, my program was doing all my work.

Then I went to another job which was fun for a while. Then I was moved into sales. That was good time too, until I realized that the company was full of shit. It's hard to sell something when you know it's crap. I was good at telling people that our crap was not ,in fact crap, but well worth the price. I was top dog in sales. Again, this was not hard. The hardest part was being able to sleep at night. So I asked for a transfer to another department and they fired me. That sucked. It wasn't like I was not doing my job, in my last review I had done extremely well. I just didn't believe anymore and wanted to do something other than sales. They didn't like that, so out I went. Which is fine, I'm much happier not being there.

After a couple weeks I got another job, which was nice as I am perpetually broke. This new job wasn't really paying the bills like I was accustomed to. At which point another company called and offered me more money. So I went to work there. At which point the company I had just left had a new position opening that paid more. So I went back and that's where I am right now. And again blessings rain down upon me.

So what did I ever do in my life to be so fortunate? Don't get me wrong, I'm not being down on myself, nor do I think I'm "worthless" or what have you. But why am I so lucky? I owe a big debt to God on this life I live. Once when I was much younger I was described as "A good time Charlie". I was a bit offended at that label but I fear that's what I am. I'm a nice enough guy. I'd give someone the shirt off my back if they really needed it. But come on! To have a great job land in your lap, a wonderful girl knock on your door, and my health? What did I ever do to deserve this? So thank you to God. I appreciate it, and if you ever need anything just let me know. I'll do my best not to let you down. As long as it's not too much work...

Chuck Norris Facts

2005-11-14T09:23:00.000-08:00

Top Thirty Facts About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Tennis Anyone?

2005-11-12T14:22:00.000-08:00

I've gotten a little better at tennis, but my arm is killing me.

When I'm at work during the week, I think of all these great things to write about here. However when the time comes around on Saturday, I've got nothing to say. I finished the series entitled "The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency". There were six books and they were pretty good. Reading the reviews on the inside cover, they included the usual suspects. The Boston Globe, Los Angeles Times, etc... There are also many references to English papers as the book was originally published in England. Then of course, there is my favorite review that reads as follows:

"There are some great books that this guy called Alexander McCall Smith put out that takes place in Botswana. They are really fun to read and make you feel like human beings can really have worthwhile lives. The first one is called The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency. I highly recommend them if you like to be happy" Flea, from Red Hot Chili Peppers

That's a review you can take to the bank. They were good books. At times, especially in the later books, it would get a little repetitive. Overall though, really entertaining and easy to read. There is a section that accurately sums up what it's like having an old friend.

"... and had moved into that most comfortable of territories, that of an old friendship that could be picked up and put down at will without damage. Sometimes several months would go by without the two seeing one another, and this would make no difference. A conversation left unfinished at the beginning of the hot season could be resumed after the rains; a question asked in January might be answered in June, or even later, or indeed not at all. There was no need for formality or caution, and the faults of each was known to the other."

If you or anyone you know is looking for something different to read, I highly recommend this series. It's not action packed, or jammed with preachiness, but instead is simple in it's questions of morality and messages of acceptance of others. It's not a series I would have picked up on my own, but I'm glad that I've read it.

The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency
by
Alexander McCall Smith

I have no legs

2005-11-05T01:13:00.000-08:00

Degree for men deodorant. Just for Men, natural look in five easy minutes. A special Las Vegas will be on Monday and it's a 60's Las Vegas. NBC11 News did a report on where gang members get their training. Also a live Q and A with the reporters and the governator. Introducing Magnolia. It's sold in Best Buy. Honda Civic 197 horsepower. Extra has a holiday movie spectacular. Those were all the commercials I just watched during a break on Conan O'Brien. Now there is some singing guy I don't know. It's some song about a bluebird. The singer dude is wearing a hat. Now he's losing time. Ring ring the old church bell. The bride and her lover seeking guidance from above. Those were the words. Drum solo! Guitar solo! Amber waves of grain bow in the prairie wind I'm hearing Willy singing on the radio again that song from 9/11 keeps ringing in my head I always remember what Chris Rock said. Those are the actual words. No wonder we're losing time. Mother cooked em good and served em up. I think it's a political song. He just mentioned caribou. Cool that guy is playing one of those fiddles or whatever that you lay on your lap and play. Fiddle solo! Now just jamming. Conan O'Brien? I wouldn't think this type of band was a Conan type of band. I didn't think Conan really appealed to the Country Music crowd. Oh wait, the guy's name is Neil (Neal?) Young.

Nyquil at night Dayquil at day. Afternoonquil during the afternoon? Degree for men responds under pressure. Four long lasting scents. Did you ever notice streets are always wet in car commercials? Ford, for life in drive. AHHHHHHHHHHH! My cell phone bill is high. Get more minutes from t-Mobil. M3 Nitro, world's best shave. Blows away the competition. M3 Power... hey I use that razor. I think it's nice except the blades cost a fortune. Tower Records, life played loud. Prop 75 is not popular with California's workers according to some firefighters and teachers. Shopgirl is getting great reviews. But I'll prolly never see it. The Mercury News has been redesigned. The readers say they are pleased. There is a Latin America section as well. Now back to Conan.

And Conan immediately throws it back to Neil (Neal?) Young for another song. Must have had trouble scheduling another interview guest. Now the hat guy is playing the piano. Sounds like a Christian song. I think it is. Piano solo! The background is red, and bumpy like a soundproofed studio wall. My cats are curled in a Yin-Yang pose. Front paws touching front paws and back legs touching back legs with the back arched in a semi-circle. You know what, this is a Christian song. I'm surprised! It's a nice enough song, but it's not what I expected on Conan. That piano is shiny.

Notre Dame plays Tennessee this weekend. Don't drink and drive. Chicken Little is in theaters now. Mercedes can be affordable at Beshoff Motor Cars. EmergenC commercial. I just took a packet of that this morning. It's stupid but I like it when I see commercials for products I already use. Now there is a commercial for Fry's. $99 for a Roboraptor. You're best buys are always at Fry's. McDonald's now serves fancy food. A premium chicken breast. SF Academy of Art annoying commercials. I think their commercials are the final projects of students. Good night Conan. Good night blog.

Inflated Titles

2005-11-03T16:36:00.000-08:00

I only have a moment to write this, but I am tired of the ridiculous titles that people have nowadays. I have to go through the company mailbox and look at these things day in and day out. I like "Marketing Executive". Sounds important. Isn't. "Account Manager" and "Account Executive" are also important sounding. They aren't. I know, I've had those titles before. The one that I really liked had his title listed as "Small man on sales totem pole". That's an honest man right there. I appreciated his approach. I think it all started with the Breakfast club where a janitor is referred to as a "Master of the Custodial Arts". That's great.

I think in my company I will have feudal names for everyone. There will be a Duke of Marketing, a Prince of Sales. My middle managers will be Barons and Counts. My lowest level employees will be serfs or peons. I'm sure they will appreciate that, but at least they have a shot at getting a title, because nothing infuriates me more then watching people not get promoted because someone was brought in from the outside that has to be trained by the person that should have had that job.

Bustin' my Chops

2005-10-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a fine day. On that day I had porkchops for dinner. They were good. Now, on to more important business.

This weekend I am going to L.A. for a Halloween Party. This party is hosted by a friend of mine from my college days. Although we still keep in touch, so I suppose he's a friend of mine still. It should be

You know what? I don't have anything to say, fuck this.

Much better

2005-10-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

I feel much better today.
Last night, I picked up my grey kitten (although he's getting closer to cat size) and said "Hey Wendy, watch this!" Then I held the kitten behind my back and made grunting noises and dropped the kitten between my legs. "Did you see?" I proudly exclaimed, "I pooped a kitten!" I appreciated her fake amazement.
The reason I am feeling better has nothing to do with a backed up colon finally being freed from a kitten being lodged in there. I have no explanation really. I just feel better. I like days like this.

Mr. Fix It:
I took apart my Playstation 2 to try and fix it. I got it all apart and took a good look. Then, while looking at all the pieces I thought, "What the fuck do I know about how this is supposed to look?" So I took a can of compressed air and sprayed all the dust off everything and paid special attention to the lens by blowing on that a lot. It's like blowing in your Nintendo to get it working, only now the air comes in a can. Then I reassembled all the pieces and put it back together. I was pleased to note that not a single piece was left over. Although I did have to use the can of compressed on the grey kitten that kept trying to "help" me.

The Moment of Truth:
I plugged all the plugs into the console, put in the game (Madden 2006 if you were curious), and turned it on. It booted up and tried to load the game and made the same grinding noises it was making before and didn't work any better. At least it didn't work any worse, so I'm counting this one as a win. At least I had a Sprite while I was working on it. It was refreshing. The Sprite that is.

Revealing the Truth:
When Wendy came home I told her that I had taken apart the Playstation 2 to fix it. She asked me if it worked. "Nope," I said, "but at least it's dust free now. Inside and out!"

Fix You

2005-10-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sure it's been written about by a million plus people already, but I must add my two cents as well. I really like the song by ColdPlay called Fix You. This is the kind of thing that I can't really talk about with people, without them mocking me for talking about feelings. It's not so much the words that do it for me, a lot of them sound as if he was looking for something that rhymed. But the music... wow. It's really something. Also, while the words can be a bit cheesy, it's the sentiment behind them that I found compelling. That sentiment combined with the music in the background make for a moving piece of music. It really gets me.

Off the subject, but somewhat pertinent is the fact that I can't really talk about these types of thoughts with anyone. Too often, I'm the punchline to peoples' jokes. I'm the random wisecracking guy that no one takes too seriously. At one point I got into a small argument with my girlfriend because she said I make poop and fart jokes too often. Which, I admit I do. But did she ever stop and think about why I make those stupid juvenile jokes?

Do you really want to listen to my philosophy on religion, not as an organization, but as a concept? Do you want to discuss with me the tragedy of the soldiers fighting in a war? Or perhaps we could talk about the (in my opinion) crony-ism going on in the White House and throughout government right now. Or wait, we could talk about the stratification of American society and the growing disparity between the rich and the poor.

"No," she said, "let's go back to fart jokes."

Science Project

2005-10-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

This is a story of invention. A story of genius. A story of an idea borne in desperation that ultimately led to the invention of a device so useful, it has never again seen the light of day.

That's because this particular device is meant to be used at night. This is the story of that device.

It started in middle school, which is as good a place for things to start as there is. It was an assignment, "You," it was said to the class, "are to come up with an invention and show it to the class." I took this personally. I needed an invention, something as practical as Tupperware. Something as amazingly simple as, I don't know, the wheel I guess.

I'm a fairly lazy bastard so of course I didn't start on this project right away. I had two weeks. Two whole weeks where I could fuck off and do whatever I wanted. Because, hey, you are only a kid once.

Of course now it was the night before the project was due, and not only had I not made anything. I hadn't even thought of anything. What the hell do I know about invention? So I took an old winter glove and the reflectors from my bike. I then taped the front (or "white") reflector to the palm of the glove and the rear (or "red") reflector to the back of the glove. Thus was born... the Reflector Glove!

Talk about your half-assed projects. I still laugh to think that I actual turned it in. I had to write a brief blurb about what my invention was to be used for. My blurb read something like:

"The Reflector Glove is to be used while riding your bike at night. Then when you want to make hand signals for your turns, cars behind you will see the reflection from your glove and know that you are turning."

Talk about your bullshit. It's good to know that even at a young age I was able to do a project half-assed, and then try to bullshit people into believing it was actually a good idea. The Reflector Glove? Really?

For the record, the Reflector Glove and me its inventor received a C on this project. Even worse, I remember being upset at getting a C on it. In general I was a decent a student, and I was not at all happy about getting a C. I can still remember the words of my Big Brother on the whole thing. "Well," he said, "what did you expect? It was C effort."

In retrospect, I think it was an extremely generous C, both on the project and on my Big Brother's assessment of my efforts on it. I mean, come on, the Reflector Glove? What a piece of shit.

It's broken

2005-10-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

Well it was bound to happen. It happened to everyone else I know, and now it finally happened to me. I can't say I'm not bummed, because I am. However, neither am I that surprised. At least it worked for as long as it did. So long PS2. I'll miss you.

Nothing Important

2005-10-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

This weekend I spent the majority of my time playing Madden 06. There are worse things to waste time on, I suppose.I started the weekend playing NCAA 2006. I've had this game for a while and in it you are allowed to create a player.

I created myself, and made me a QB. Sure I got a scholarship to Michigan, but screw them. I declined and went to Michigan State University. I had a good freshman year losing only one game to Ohio State in overtime which of course the game saved automatically as the "#1 Greatest Game", which I suppose it would have been if one is an Ohio State fan, but I'm not, so I don't see what was so great about it.

Since that defeat, I took QB Mike through his sophomore year throwing for 70+ touchdowns on the year figuring for sure I was a lock to win the Heisman. The game does this dramatic Heisman award ceremony cut scene complete with drum roll to build up the anticipation. I had had the single greatest season for a college QB ever, but they gave the Heisman to some dipshit from Iowa. That was crap. The poor controller never saw it coming when I threw it to the ground in disgust. Although we did win the national championship, which is nice.

So I'm back for my junior year. After getting snubbed for the Heisman last year, I was back with a vengeance. This time around I only passed for 61 TD's but my completion percentage was much higher. Plus we went undefeated again. So they gave me the Heisman finally. After that, we (the rest of the video game Spartans and I) went on defeat Boston College in the national championship game. It was a great game, if you were a Spartan fan, but the game itself didn't think so, so I still have to look at that Ohio State loss. Although back-to-back championships are nice. Hoo-ray.

So after finally winning the Heisman and back-to-back national championships I graduated me early. The sad part is, I felt guilty about doing that. I mean, I had my senior year to come back to, but instead I went to the NFL by exporting me to Madden 06 (which is a cool feature). I placated my own guilt over a video game me leaving school early by telling myself that video game me graduated early with a degree. It's the little things.So here I am with my back-to-back championships and ridiculous college stats where I broke every record in the books, getting ready for the draft. I had to sign an agent and do all sorts of football IQ tests, personality tests, etc... One of the questions was "What do you eat the night before the game?"
The options:
I usually ate alone in my room with my thoughts.
Pizza.
Whatever my teammates were having because we eat like we play...as a team.

Ok, now it's obvious what the "right" answer is. The "team" one. I like pizza though, so I chose that option, because come on, it's pizza. That must have hurt my draft value because I fell to the second round. With the 10th pick in the second round I was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys. At first I was disappointed, I'm not much of a Cowboys fan. However, it has worked out well. I beat Drew Bledsoe out for the starting job, and Dallas is a big market team. So now I'm the starting QB for the Dallas Cowboys. So far we are 6-0 this season.

I'm doing pretty well as a rookie. In my first regular season game as starting QB I drove our team all the way down to the opponent's 7 yard line where video game me threw an interception. That was disheartening, but I told video game me to keep his spirits up. Not to worry though, we rallied back to win the game (as you may have surmised from my earlier statement about being 6-0).So that's how I spent my weekend.

Test

2005-10-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

This is a test of the emergency blogging system.

Beep.

Thank you.