Poker Tips

Yeah, I'm kind of a poker expert. I've provided some "moves" and "tips" below. Be sure to use them often to win card games.

Sometimes it's a good move to pull off an "Opposite Bluff". That's when you fold on a really good hand. People never know what you are going to do next. In fact, if we ever play cards, that's a really good technique to use on me. I'll fall for it every time. It works great if you fold immediately after a big raise. That's when it's most effective.

Another good move in poker is called "The Robbery". That's when everyone is laughing and having a good time, then you pull a gun out and tell them to give you all their money before you kill them. Then fire a shot into the air. The key to this trick is actually shooting someone right away, so the others know that you are serious.

The third move in your expanded repertoire is called the "Bad Beat". Ask everyone if they know how to play LA style poker. Then when they ask how, you say "In LA poker, four clubs beat a king." If no one laughs or gets it, punch them in the mouth.

Well, that's about all the time I have for poker techniques. Have a good one, and remember... there's no such thing as a bad hand, just bad mother f@ckers.

Rockin' the Feud

I just finished playing a couple rounds of the Feud. Family Feud if you don't already know. It's a great game, I highly recommend it. Get it from Yahoo!

Now if you don't know how the Feud works, quit reading because the rest of this won't make sense to you.

Ok now, here are your options: You can play multi-player against someone. That's a good time. Or you can play solo style. When you play solo, you compete against "Average Score". If you win, you play Fast Money for 20,000 bonus points. And believe me... you want those points. Those are 20 thousand bonus points. Nice.

So my first question is "How many minutes does it take the average person to run a mile?" Easy right? "8 mins" Ding! That is the number two answer. Next I'm thinking, and you only get 20 seconds to answer, that "10 mins" is a solid answer. Ding! Number one answer baby, I'm on a roll now. Oh, and by the way, the top seven answers were on the board. So I'm sitting on the number one and number two answers. Those are the easy ones. Now I'm not sure which way to go on this. Remember, they asked 100 people. What would they think? So I think, some people don't know how fast things are. So those people say "5 mins" and that's my third answer. Ding! Number seven.

So we have one, two, and seven. Three for three. The time is ticking, and I think, "This is easy." So I'm feeling good about it and I type in "9 mins". I figure 10 mins is number one, and 8 mins is number two, then 9 mins has to be number three. X(Enrt!) No... What? You mean to tell me 9 mins isn't up there? That's crap. While I'm thinking this, time is ticking away. So I'm thinking, "fine". I type in "7 mins" Ding! Number four.

So out of seven answers, I have numbers 1,2,4,7 and missing answers 3,5,6 (naturally). Hmm.. what would be number three? I look at the board and see 5 mins and 7 mins. Hmm.. Obvious! "6 mins" XX(Enrt!) No. Second strike. Dammit. Ok, now I'm having some trouble figuring out what someone might have said to this question. I've already guessed 5,6,7,8,9,10 mins. Which way do I guess? Do I guess faster or slower than this? I figure, average person... slower. So I type in "11 mins" XXX(Ernt!) Third strike! Ah crap. Let's see what I didn't get.

Show me number three! Ding! "15 mins" What? Wow... ok.... Show me number five! Ding! "20 mins" Wow! I mean really, the average person thinks it takes 20 minutes to run a mile? You've got to be kidding me. That's three miles an hour. 3mph. I'm also thinking, "I would never have guessed that." I'm somewhat amazed at that answer. Right before he revealed number five, I was thinking, "Oh! I bet it it's going be 6.5 mins. Nyah." I wouldn't have thought of half numbers.

So when I saw 15 mins as number three, I figured that, sure someone could think it would take 15 minutes to run a mile. It's slow, but I can see that as an answer. Twenty minutes though!? That struck me as somewhat ridiculous. I'm fairly certain I could run a mile in under 20 minutes and I'm not in good shape.

Now there's only one answer left to be revealed and the board is looking like this:
1. 10 mins
2. 8 mins
3. 15 mins
4. 7 mins
5. 20 mins
6.
7. 5 mins
(Right? Is that consistent with the rest of the story? I'll wait while you check.)

But get this. I figure number 6 is going to be "4 mins". Right? I was thinking the average person (who answered 20 minutes(!) just moments ago) probably doesn't know how fast a four minute mile is. He didn't know that three mph is not really much of a speed so what are the odds he'll know that four minute miles aren't an everyday thing. So I'm certain it's going to be 4 mins. Show me number six. Ding! (I don't know how to spell the Family Feud noise, but that's my best shot) "30 mins".

...

What?

...

I'm stupefied... I can not believe that is the answer. I would never, not in a million years, guess it would take the average person thirty minutes to run one (1) mile. Never. It would never have occurred to me. However, not only was 30 mins the number six answer, but not one, no... two people gave that answer. There are two people in America that believe it takes the average person thirty minutes to run a mile. That's two miles an hour.

Two people actually think that-that is the case. Wow. Who are these people? I want to know what they do for a living. I bet it's something completely normal and bland. Any office type job. Something with files and spreadsheets. Whatever. That isn't really important here. What is important is that these are two people out in society. Among us. That guy sipping a Starbucks across the street? He might be that guy. He could be the guy that you walk up to and ask, "How long do you think it takes the average person to run one mile?" And he would look at you, maybe even squint a bit (because he's thinking) and say, "Hmm... Thirty minutes?"

And right there. That's your moment.

Third World Pants

I am currently wearing what must be the most poorly made pair of jeans in the United States. These are third world jeans, that's what they are. Let me give you a little background on these jeans. The tag says they are the same size and length as the rest of my jeans, which all fit normally. However, although reading as a 34 waist, these babies have to be at least a 38 if not 40. I put a belt on and have to cope with so much excess fabric that I have to fold bunches within bigger bunches.
Which leads to my next point. The belt loops on these pants are so few and far between they're practically worthless. There are exactly five belt loops. Two right up front, two more at about two o'clock and ten o'clock respectively (if my front was noon). Then finally, one lonely loop way in the back which is really where you need the loops. With all that excess fabric and such a small number of belt loops, no matter how tight I pull the belt, the only thing being held up is the loops. The rest of the pants slowly work their way down and all day I have to hike my pants up like some kind of weirdo.
Another fine feature of these pants is the crotch. Now you want some extra room down there, but this is ridiculous. When I'm wearing these pants I look like the "after" picture in a weight loss commercial. "Can you believe I used to be this size!" I could fit a fair number of encyclopedias, I'm thinking A-F, and still be comfortable. The crotch is ridiculous. I have to pull these pants way above my belly button just to have the bottom of the crotch in the proper place. If I put the waist of these pants on my actual waist (where any normal pair of pants rests) the bottom of this crotch rests just slightly above my knees. Which makes it hard to walk.
Oh and the length. The tag states they are 34/34. I have to ask, 34 what? Lunar units? These pants are obviously not designed for earth people. They are ridiculously long. The extra length fabric hangs on top of my shoes like a pair of denim leg warmers.
Huge crotch, extra long, extra wide, and minimal belt loops all in a pair of 34/34 jeans. These are Depression era pants. These are hand-me-down Depression era pants. It must have been the first day on the job for the guy who made these. Maybe he grew up on the metric system and has no idea how big an inch is. I don't know. These pants suck, and yet I continue to wear to them.

What Color is Sadness?

Rage is red. We all know that to be the case. Just blinding, roiling, boiling, red rage. Simple yet messy. Like a spaghetti-sauce pot exploding in the kitchen. Emotional overthrow.
Pow!
Envy? too easy... green. Sickly bordering on putrescent... deep, dark, dank, and green.
Yuck.
Happiness you say? Again, your questions... they are not so hard. Happiness is the color of the sun in children's books. Happiness is bright, it's shiny, it's beaming, radiant, vibrant yellow can be seen for miles! Like a beacon in the night, happiness shines for everyone to see. Brilliant!
What if I feel fright? You can remember this one because it rhymes. Fright is white. Pale, like a ghost. Snow white, shivering in the cold, shaking of the fright.
Boo!
Ah, but sadness... What color would this be? Not orange, certainly no. Orange is not a color for sadness. We will come to orange in it's time. Sadness you'll know because we've all had them a time or two... the blues. Strangely this the favorite color of most people. Blue though. Dark, cloudy, sad-trumpet-noise, frowny-face blue. From the light color of the sky blue... To the dark, rich, unfathomable, ocean deep, tragical blue.
Blah.
Purple! Pride! You are proud. You are his majesty the mighty! Replete with his ermine robe, and golden chalice reeking of wine, both of which... are rich... royal, proud purple.
The End.