Beverages
I have a song stuck in my head again. This time it's a tune by Chef from the cartoon South Park. And it goes:
Makin' love
Makin' love
Makin' la-la la-la love
Love gravy
I just bought a bottle of grapefruit juice out of the vending machine. I don't even like grapefruit juice. Well, when I'm actually eating a grapefruit, and there is juice in the bowl when I'm done. I'll drink that. That's tasty. Bottled grapefruit juice though? That's an entirely different animal. I looked at it and thought to myself "I don't like grapefruit juice." It's not terrible; I wouldn't spit it out. Not unless someone told me it was orange juice and then I took a big mouthful only it didn't taste like orange juice so before I could think anything else my brain would go "Not orange juice!" and I would spit it out reflexively. This happens even with beverages I like.
Take Dr. Pepper for example. I'm a big fan of this concoction. I also like Cherry 7-Up, but I digress. Actually, when you think about where I started, this digression is the least of the problems with this "story". So anyway, there's a glass of soda on the counter. I say, "Hey Derk, is this Coke?" To which Derk replies, "Yeah." So I go to take a drink and... you know, let's start this at the beginning.
Act 1
Stomach: I'm thirsty. Hey! Hey Brain! I said I'm thirsty!
Brain: Let me see... carry the one, almost there on the unified field theorem.
Stomach: HEY BRAIN! I'm thirsty NOW!!!
Brain: Ah! Crap, fine. Hey Eyes! Come in Eyes!
Eyes: Eyes here Brain.
Brain: Look for something to drink, stomach is thirsty
Eyes: Roger that Brain. Spotted beverage on counter slightly to the left.
Brain: Got it! Right Arm, grab that drink!
Right Arm: Drink procured.
Stomach: Give it here!
Brain: Wait! We don't know what this is. Nose, what does it smell like?
Nose: Hmm hard to say... maybe if Lungs didn't smoke so much...
Brain: Hey! Back off nose! You leave them alone, they've got enough to deal with. Ok, Nose doesn't know, Eyes can't tell. Hey Mouth, let's go.
Act 2
Mouth: Hey Derk, is this Coke?
Derk: (From the other room) Huh? Yeah!
Stomach: See, give it! Give it!
Brain: Fine, quiet already. Right Arm, Mouth? You know the drill.
Stomach: Give it! Give it!
Mouth: I don't know...
Brain: (Soothingly) Don't worry Mouth, it's Coke. We like Coke.
Mouth: Ah.... ah... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NOT COKE! MIGHT BE POISON! NOT COKE!
Brain: Abort! Abort! Spit it out, Mouth! Spit it out goddamit!!
Mouth: (Spit take)
Stomach: Where's my Coke?
Brain: Hold on, doing an analysis right now. Beep-boop! Beep! Hmm... according to my readouts... Mouth you idiot! That's not poison, that's Dr. Pepper. We like Dr. Pepper! What the hell is the matter with you?
Mouth: (Defensively) Hey, you said it was Coke. I had everything all set up for Coke. When I tasted not Coke, I wasn't sure what else you got wrong. Don't call me an idiot, Brain! You're the one listening to Derk.
Brain: Yeah?! Well... so. Ok. Let's try this again. Mouth! Set up for general carbonated soda pop. Arm! You know the drill. Let's take it slow people!
Makin' love
Makin' love
Makin' la-la la-la love
Love gravy
I just bought a bottle of grapefruit juice out of the vending machine. I don't even like grapefruit juice. Well, when I'm actually eating a grapefruit, and there is juice in the bowl when I'm done. I'll drink that. That's tasty. Bottled grapefruit juice though? That's an entirely different animal. I looked at it and thought to myself "I don't like grapefruit juice." It's not terrible; I wouldn't spit it out. Not unless someone told me it was orange juice and then I took a big mouthful only it didn't taste like orange juice so before I could think anything else my brain would go "Not orange juice!" and I would spit it out reflexively. This happens even with beverages I like.
Take Dr. Pepper for example. I'm a big fan of this concoction. I also like Cherry 7-Up, but I digress. Actually, when you think about where I started, this digression is the least of the problems with this "story". So anyway, there's a glass of soda on the counter. I say, "Hey Derk, is this Coke?" To which Derk replies, "Yeah." So I go to take a drink and... you know, let's start this at the beginning.
Act 1
Stomach: I'm thirsty. Hey! Hey Brain! I said I'm thirsty!
Brain: Let me see... carry the one, almost there on the unified field theorem.
Stomach: HEY BRAIN! I'm thirsty NOW!!!
Brain: Ah! Crap, fine. Hey Eyes! Come in Eyes!
Eyes: Eyes here Brain.
Brain: Look for something to drink, stomach is thirsty
Eyes: Roger that Brain. Spotted beverage on counter slightly to the left.
Brain: Got it! Right Arm, grab that drink!
Right Arm: Drink procured.
Stomach: Give it here!
Brain: Wait! We don't know what this is. Nose, what does it smell like?
Nose: Hmm hard to say... maybe if Lungs didn't smoke so much...
Brain: Hey! Back off nose! You leave them alone, they've got enough to deal with. Ok, Nose doesn't know, Eyes can't tell. Hey Mouth, let's go.
Act 2
Mouth: Hey Derk, is this Coke?
Derk: (From the other room) Huh? Yeah!
Stomach: See, give it! Give it!
Brain: Fine, quiet already. Right Arm, Mouth? You know the drill.
Stomach: Give it! Give it!
Mouth: I don't know...
Brain: (Soothingly) Don't worry Mouth, it's Coke. We like Coke.
Mouth: Ah.... ah... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NOT COKE! MIGHT BE POISON! NOT COKE!
Brain: Abort! Abort! Spit it out, Mouth! Spit it out goddamit!!
Mouth: (Spit take)
Stomach: Where's my Coke?
Brain: Hold on, doing an analysis right now. Beep-boop! Beep! Hmm... according to my readouts... Mouth you idiot! That's not poison, that's Dr. Pepper. We like Dr. Pepper! What the hell is the matter with you?
Mouth: (Defensively) Hey, you said it was Coke. I had everything all set up for Coke. When I tasted not Coke, I wasn't sure what else you got wrong. Don't call me an idiot, Brain! You're the one listening to Derk.
Brain: Yeah?! Well... so. Ok. Let's try this again. Mouth! Set up for general carbonated soda pop. Arm! You know the drill. Let's take it slow people!
posted by Mike at 6:16 PM
2 Comments:
I literally almost shot Diet Coke out my nose (boy would Nose be mad at Mouth...). That's the funniest damn thing I ever read. Well, not ever, but it was good. I did laugh out loud, so that's something.
I like the idea of the Adventures of Body, the hilarious escapades of Brain, the ne'er-do-well leader of a rag-tag band of body parts. By the second episode it may seem old-hat, but it's a great idea.
From my experience, it's pretty important that Brain is kept informed of what will be entering Mouth. I once ate a cherry that had apparently been soaking in olive juice by mistake. If Brain had known about this olive-flavored cherry, it could have prevented Mouth from that horrible trauma. Yech.
Post a Comment
<< Home