Working Hard or Hardly Working?

Hello, My name is Mike and I don't work very hard. I wish I could say otherwise, but I don't really feel like it's true. In fact, I may not even finish this blog entry if it becomes too much work.

I'm not sure why this is the case. I have nothing against hard work, and express admiration for those who work hard. It just doesn't seem to be me that's doing it. Now this isn't to say that I don't do my job. I do. In fact, I do it pretty well. My boss compliments me quite often on the work that I've done. Which is nice. It's just not hard. For example, I know there are times when I'm really busy and need to get a lot done, and I don't have time to screw around. However, there are also times when there are a couple things to do, but I'd rather read the "Odd News" section on Yahoo! Check out this article for a prime example of what I do sometimes during the day.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051114/ap_on_fe_st/
netherlands_domino_bird

That's a fine article there, shooting it to death seems a little extreme. Stupid bird ruining domino day. Die!

I digress. It's not just at work that I don't work hard. I didn't really work too hard at meeting a girl. I mean, my girlfriend now just knocked on my door the night we met. The best part about that whole thing (aside from meeting Wendy) was that earlier that EXACT SAME DAY I was outside at my previous job talking with Pops (who looks a lot like a guy that you would refer to as Pops) who said "You know Mikey T., you aren't going to meet any girls sitting at home and playing Playstation." I could not wait until the following Monday to tell him otherwise.

So anyway we've covered work and love. What about school? Puh! I mean I graduated, but would I say I busted my ass on my studies? Hardly. In fact, the thing I learned how to do best at school was to schedule my classes so that none started before 11:30 AM and none were on Friday's. For the record I had two semesters with Friday classes out of the nine semesters that I went there. This is hard to admit, but part of the reason that I went into Telecommunications had nothing to do with my like of computers. It was because I had changed my major five times, and all the random classes I had taken along the way happened to meet the Telecom requirements for graduation. Talk about your happy fortune!

It should go without saying that I don't really use my degree in my job nowadays. I don't really know what else to say. I feel kind of bad that I've fallen ass backwards into everything in my life. I even moved to California on a whim. What the hell? I had been lucky so far, if it doesn't work out, I'll move back. Now I'm in it to win it.

I've also lost two jobs during my near six year stint in the Golden State. My first job was for a telecom company that went under with the dot com burst. You want to talk about not working hard? That job was ridiculous. When I started there I worked really hard and came up with a program that would do 90% of my job for me. They even gave me a bonus and an award for this. I was late for the award ceremony as I was outside smoking. Someone had to come out and get me. It was their first "Innovation Award". That was pretty sweet, but it was really just the beginning of the end of me really working. I would show up at work, check my e-mail and read a few articles on the internet, then click "Go" on my program and go talk to my friends about fantasy baseball. They however, were busy doing work. So I adapted my program to do their work too. This would allow for us to have more time to talk about sports and whatever else. This job was scheduled so that we would work (hah!) nine hours a day and get every other Friday off. I can't recall a single day when I worked all nine hours. I wouldn't have had anything to do even if I had. As I said, my program was doing all my work.

Then I went to another job which was fun for a while. Then I was moved into sales. That was good time too, until I realized that the company was full of shit. It's hard to sell something when you know it's crap. I was good at telling people that our crap was not ,in fact crap, but well worth the price. I was top dog in sales. Again, this was not hard. The hardest part was being able to sleep at night. So I asked for a transfer to another department and they fired me. That sucked. It wasn't like I was not doing my job, in my last review I had done extremely well. I just didn't believe anymore and wanted to do something other than sales. They didn't like that, so out I went. Which is fine, I'm much happier not being there.

After a couple weeks I got another job, which was nice as I am perpetually broke. This new job wasn't really paying the bills like I was accustomed to. At which point another company called and offered me more money. So I went to work there. At which point the company I had just left had a new position opening that paid more. So I went back and that's where I am right now. And again blessings rain down upon me.

So what did I ever do in my life to be so fortunate? Don't get me wrong, I'm not being down on myself, nor do I think I'm "worthless" or what have you. But why am I so lucky? I owe a big debt to God on this life I live. Once when I was much younger I was described as "A good time Charlie". I was a bit offended at that label but I fear that's what I am. I'm a nice enough guy. I'd give someone the shirt off my back if they really needed it. But come on! To have a great job land in your lap, a wonderful girl knock on your door, and my health? What did I ever do to deserve this? So thank you to God. I appreciate it, and if you ever need anything just let me know. I'll do my best not to let you down. As long as it's not too much work...

Chuck Norris Facts

Top Thirty Facts About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Tennis Anyone?

I've gotten a little better at tennis, but my arm is killing me.

When I'm at work during the week, I think of all these great things to write about here. However when the time comes around on Saturday, I've got nothing to say. I finished the series entitled "The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency". There were six books and they were pretty good. Reading the reviews on the inside cover, they included the usual suspects. The Boston Globe, Los Angeles Times, etc... There are also many references to English papers as the book was originally published in England. Then of course, there is my favorite review that reads as follows:

"There are some great books that this guy called Alexander McCall Smith put out that takes place in Botswana. They are really fun to read and make you feel like human beings can really have worthwhile lives. The first one is called The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency. I highly recommend them if you like to be happy" Flea, from Red Hot Chili Peppers

That's a review you can take to the bank. They were good books. At times, especially in the later books, it would get a little repetitive. Overall though, really entertaining and easy to read. There is a section that accurately sums up what it's like having an old friend.

"... and had moved into that most comfortable of territories, that of an old friendship that could be picked up and put down at will without damage. Sometimes several months would go by without the two seeing one another, and this would make no difference. A conversation left unfinished at the beginning of the hot season could be resumed after the rains; a question asked in January might be answered in June, or even later, or indeed not at all. There was no need for formality or caution, and the faults of each was known to the other."

If you or anyone you know is looking for something different to read, I highly recommend this series. It's not action packed, or jammed with preachiness, but instead is simple in it's questions of morality and messages of acceptance of others. It's not a series I would have picked up on my own, but I'm glad that I've read it.

The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency
by
Alexander McCall Smith

I have no legs

Degree for men deodorant. Just for Men, natural look in five easy minutes. A special Las Vegas will be on Monday and it's a 60's Las Vegas. NBC11 News did a report on where gang members get their training. Also a live Q and A with the reporters and the governator. Introducing Magnolia. It's sold in Best Buy. Honda Civic 197 horsepower. Extra has a holiday movie spectacular. Those were all the commercials I just watched during a break on Conan O'Brien. Now there is some singing guy I don't know. It's some song about a bluebird. The singer dude is wearing a hat. Now he's losing time. Ring ring the old church bell. The bride and her lover seeking guidance from above. Those were the words. Drum solo! Guitar solo! Amber waves of grain bow in the prairie wind I'm hearing Willy singing on the radio again that song from 9/11 keeps ringing in my head I always remember what Chris Rock said. Those are the actual words. No wonder we're losing time. Mother cooked em good and served em up. I think it's a political song. He just mentioned caribou. Cool that guy is playing one of those fiddles or whatever that you lay on your lap and play. Fiddle solo! Now just jamming. Conan O'Brien? I wouldn't think this type of band was a Conan type of band. I didn't think Conan really appealed to the Country Music crowd. Oh wait, the guy's name is Neil (Neal?) Young.

Nyquil at night Dayquil at day. Afternoonquil during the afternoon? Degree for men responds under pressure. Four long lasting scents. Did you ever notice streets are always wet in car commercials? Ford, for life in drive. AHHHHHHHHHHH! My cell phone bill is high. Get more minutes from t-Mobil. M3 Nitro, world's best shave. Blows away the competition. M3 Power... hey I use that razor. I think it's nice except the blades cost a fortune. Tower Records, life played loud. Prop 75 is not popular with California's workers according to some firefighters and teachers. Shopgirl is getting great reviews. But I'll prolly never see it. The Mercury News has been redesigned. The readers say they are pleased. There is a Latin America section as well. Now back to Conan.

And Conan immediately throws it back to Neil (Neal?) Young for another song. Must have had trouble scheduling another interview guest. Now the hat guy is playing the piano. Sounds like a Christian song. I think it is. Piano solo! The background is red, and bumpy like a soundproofed studio wall. My cats are curled in a Yin-Yang pose. Front paws touching front paws and back legs touching back legs with the back arched in a semi-circle. You know what, this is a Christian song. I'm surprised! It's a nice enough song, but it's not what I expected on Conan. That piano is shiny.

Notre Dame plays Tennessee this weekend. Don't drink and drive. Chicken Little is in theaters now. Mercedes can be affordable at Beshoff Motor Cars. EmergenC commercial. I just took a packet of that this morning. It's stupid but I like it when I see commercials for products I already use. Now there is a commercial for Fry's. $99 for a Roboraptor. You're best buys are always at Fry's. McDonald's now serves fancy food. A premium chicken breast. SF Academy of Art annoying commercials. I think their commercials are the final projects of students. Good night Conan. Good night blog.

Inflated Titles

I only have a moment to write this, but I am tired of the ridiculous titles that people have nowadays. I have to go through the company mailbox and look at these things day in and day out. I like "Marketing Executive". Sounds important. Isn't. "Account Manager" and "Account Executive" are also important sounding. They aren't. I know, I've had those titles before. The one that I really liked had his title listed as "Small man on sales totem pole". That's an honest man right there. I appreciated his approach. I think it all started with the Breakfast club where a janitor is referred to as a "Master of the Custodial Arts". That's great.

I think in my company I will have feudal names for everyone. There will be a Duke of Marketing, a Prince of Sales. My middle managers will be Barons and Counts. My lowest level employees will be serfs or peons. I'm sure they will appreciate that, but at least they have a shot at getting a title, because nothing infuriates me more then watching people not get promoted because someone was brought in from the outside that has to be trained by the person that should have had that job.