Bustin' my Chops

Yesterday was a fine day. On that day I had porkchops for dinner. They were good. Now, on to more important business.

This weekend I am going to L.A. for a Halloween Party. This party is hosted by a friend of mine from my college days. Although we still keep in touch, so I suppose he's a friend of mine still. It should be

You know what? I don't have anything to say, fuck this.

Much better

I feel much better today.
Last night, I picked up my grey kitten (although he's getting closer to cat size) and said "Hey Wendy, watch this!" Then I held the kitten behind my back and made grunting noises and dropped the kitten between my legs. "Did you see?" I proudly exclaimed, "I pooped a kitten!" I appreciated her fake amazement.
The reason I am feeling better has nothing to do with a backed up colon finally being freed from a kitten being lodged in there. I have no explanation really. I just feel better. I like days like this.

Mr. Fix It:
I took apart my Playstation 2 to try and fix it. I got it all apart and took a good look. Then, while looking at all the pieces I thought, "What the fuck do I know about how this is supposed to look?" So I took a can of compressed air and sprayed all the dust off everything and paid special attention to the lens by blowing on that a lot. It's like blowing in your Nintendo to get it working, only now the air comes in a can. Then I reassembled all the pieces and put it back together. I was pleased to note that not a single piece was left over. Although I did have to use the can of compressed on the grey kitten that kept trying to "help" me.

The Moment of Truth:
I plugged all the plugs into the console, put in the game (Madden 2006 if you were curious), and turned it on. It booted up and tried to load the game and made the same grinding noises it was making before and didn't work any better. At least it didn't work any worse, so I'm counting this one as a win. At least I had a Sprite while I was working on it. It was refreshing. The Sprite that is.

Revealing the Truth:
When Wendy came home I told her that I had taken apart the Playstation 2 to fix it. She asked me if it worked. "Nope," I said, "but at least it's dust free now. Inside and out!"

Fix You

I'm sure it's been written about by a million plus people already, but I must add my two cents as well. I really like the song by ColdPlay called Fix You. This is the kind of thing that I can't really talk about with people, without them mocking me for talking about feelings. It's not so much the words that do it for me, a lot of them sound as if he was looking for something that rhymed. But the music... wow. It's really something. Also, while the words can be a bit cheesy, it's the sentiment behind them that I found compelling. That sentiment combined with the music in the background make for a moving piece of music. It really gets me.

Off the subject, but somewhat pertinent is the fact that I can't really talk about these types of thoughts with anyone. Too often, I'm the punchline to peoples' jokes. I'm the random wisecracking guy that no one takes too seriously. At one point I got into a small argument with my girlfriend because she said I make poop and fart jokes too often. Which, I admit I do. But did she ever stop and think about why I make those stupid juvenile jokes?

Do you really want to listen to my philosophy on religion, not as an organization, but as a concept? Do you want to discuss with me the tragedy of the soldiers fighting in a war? Or perhaps we could talk about the (in my opinion) crony-ism going on in the White House and throughout government right now. Or wait, we could talk about the stratification of American society and the growing disparity between the rich and the poor.

"No," she said, "let's go back to fart jokes."

Science Project

This is a story of invention. A story of genius. A story of an idea borne in desperation that ultimately led to the invention of a device so useful, it has never again seen the light of day.

That's because this particular device is meant to be used at night. This is the story of that device.

It started in middle school, which is as good a place for things to start as there is. It was an assignment, "You," it was said to the class, "are to come up with an invention and show it to the class." I took this personally. I needed an invention, something as practical as Tupperware. Something as amazingly simple as, I don't know, the wheel I guess.

I'm a fairly lazy bastard so of course I didn't start on this project right away. I had two weeks. Two whole weeks where I could fuck off and do whatever I wanted. Because, hey, you are only a kid once.

Of course now it was the night before the project was due, and not only had I not made anything. I hadn't even thought of anything. What the hell do I know about invention? So I took an old winter glove and the reflectors from my bike. I then taped the front (or "white") reflector to the palm of the glove and the rear (or "red") reflector to the back of the glove. Thus was born... the Reflector Glove!

Talk about your half-assed projects. I still laugh to think that I actual turned it in. I had to write a brief blurb about what my invention was to be used for. My blurb read something like:

"The Reflector Glove is to be used while riding your bike at night. Then when you want to make hand signals for your turns, cars behind you will see the reflection from your glove and know that you are turning."

Talk about your bullshit. It's good to know that even at a young age I was able to do a project half-assed, and then try to bullshit people into believing it was actually a good idea. The Reflector Glove? Really?

For the record, the Reflector Glove and me its inventor received a C on this project. Even worse, I remember being upset at getting a C on it. In general I was a decent a student, and I was not at all happy about getting a C. I can still remember the words of my Big Brother on the whole thing. "Well," he said, "what did you expect? It was C effort."

In retrospect, I think it was an extremely generous C, both on the project and on my Big Brother's assessment of my efforts on it. I mean, come on, the Reflector Glove? What a piece of shit.

It's broken

Well it was bound to happen. It happened to everyone else I know, and now it finally happened to me. I can't say I'm not bummed, because I am. However, neither am I that surprised. At least it worked for as long as it did. So long PS2. I'll miss you.

Nothing Important

This weekend I spent the majority of my time playing Madden 06. There are worse things to waste time on, I suppose.I started the weekend playing NCAA 2006. I've had this game for a while and in it you are allowed to create a player.

I created myself, and made me a QB. Sure I got a scholarship to Michigan, but screw them. I declined and went to Michigan State University. I had a good freshman year losing only one game to Ohio State in overtime which of course the game saved automatically as the "#1 Greatest Game", which I suppose it would have been if one is an Ohio State fan, but I'm not, so I don't see what was so great about it.

Since that defeat, I took QB Mike through his sophomore year throwing for 70+ touchdowns on the year figuring for sure I was a lock to win the Heisman. The game does this dramatic Heisman award ceremony cut scene complete with drum roll to build up the anticipation. I had had the single greatest season for a college QB ever, but they gave the Heisman to some dipshit from Iowa. That was crap. The poor controller never saw it coming when I threw it to the ground in disgust. Although we did win the national championship, which is nice.

So I'm back for my junior year. After getting snubbed for the Heisman last year, I was back with a vengeance. This time around I only passed for 61 TD's but my completion percentage was much higher. Plus we went undefeated again. So they gave me the Heisman finally. After that, we (the rest of the video game Spartans and I) went on defeat Boston College in the national championship game. It was a great game, if you were a Spartan fan, but the game itself didn't think so, so I still have to look at that Ohio State loss. Although back-to-back championships are nice. Hoo-ray.

So after finally winning the Heisman and back-to-back national championships I graduated me early. The sad part is, I felt guilty about doing that. I mean, I had my senior year to come back to, but instead I went to the NFL by exporting me to Madden 06 (which is a cool feature). I placated my own guilt over a video game me leaving school early by telling myself that video game me graduated early with a degree. It's the little things.So here I am with my back-to-back championships and ridiculous college stats where I broke every record in the books, getting ready for the draft. I had to sign an agent and do all sorts of football IQ tests, personality tests, etc... One of the questions was "What do you eat the night before the game?"
The options:
I usually ate alone in my room with my thoughts.
Pizza.
Whatever my teammates were having because we eat like we play...as a team.

Ok, now it's obvious what the "right" answer is. The "team" one. I like pizza though, so I chose that option, because come on, it's pizza. That must have hurt my draft value because I fell to the second round. With the 10th pick in the second round I was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys. At first I was disappointed, I'm not much of a Cowboys fan. However, it has worked out well. I beat Drew Bledsoe out for the starting job, and Dallas is a big market team. So now I'm the starting QB for the Dallas Cowboys. So far we are 6-0 this season.

I'm doing pretty well as a rookie. In my first regular season game as starting QB I drove our team all the way down to the opponent's 7 yard line where video game me threw an interception. That was disheartening, but I told video game me to keep his spirits up. Not to worry though, we rallied back to win the game (as you may have surmised from my earlier statement about being 6-0).So that's how I spent my weekend.

Test

This is a test of the emergency blogging system.

Beep.

Thank you.